Dear Eating Disorder

I really feel crappy, I have no feelings of wanting to try, wanting to pass all my classes with straight A's. Wow this is so unlike me, I know there is something wrong when I don't even feel like running anymore. This shouldn't be called mind of an eating disorder it should be call mind of a fucked up person. I just feel shitty, and there is nothing that is helping. I'm going to see someone, but it just seems like talking to someone really isn't going to help. It never really does, I mean its such a small town in the middle of no where, there really isn't much help here. I need something more, I'm too messed up to just keep living like this. I don't want to fail my classes, I don't want to mess my life all up, yet I have nothing pushing me to get better. My mind is actually telling myself that I like being like this, that I wouldn't want to have it any other way. But guess what thats bullshit, because I know I want to be happy, but I'm just a little to messed up to know it. To top it all off, I'm in a lot of pain from that stupid car accident that happened so long ago and this stupid fall that happened to happen a few weeks ago. Why does this have to be the start of my term, why didn't I stop this from happening? I knew this was going to happen yet I did nothing to stop it. I saw this all coming, maybe not the depression coming back, but the eating thing yes I saw coming, yet I did nothing. Is that because as I saw it coming, I embrace it, like it was something I was looking forward to? It was the disorder talking, I know, its always there. I just want it to go away and stay away forever but I don't see that happening. . . I feel like it will just keep getting worse like it has been. Like I'm on a never ending downhill that doesn't have another uphill in it. Forever falling, forever not being happy. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling like there is no life in me. I hate feeling so not like who I really am. I know I'm a happy person who just needs a little help to be that way again. I have so many walls built up, that sometimes I think its impossible to be happy. But really for me to be happy I need to start taking down some of these stupid walls and looking at everything in a better way. Yet I can't do this alone, so its either get help or stay like this.