Life will go on, hopefully. . .

Didn't eat for 24 hours, actually a little more then that, but I had some smoothies so thats something. I didn't even mean to, or maybe thats just me hoping I didn't mean to but in reality I know it I did. And it scares me. I ate last night felt like I was going to threw up, eat a breakfast burrito this morning and I just feel really gross. Why do I have to be so complicated? Its like no matter what something is going wrong in my life, can't I just have a few days where everything goes right? Nope that couldn't happen for me, because maybe I'm just not good enough to have a day or two where nothing went wrong. Maybe by having somewhat control over my life it will help things go right, probably not. Its just making things worse, but I actually felt happy this morning, before I ate at least. Then I got my blood drawn for an iron level test and my arm, there's a huge bruise where they put the needle in. I'm just too fragile, which is my felt but hey what can you do... I just got to live for today, and if I can only be happy by having the somewhat control of my life that I have then hey I have to do what I need to do to be happy. I need to be able to feel like I'm alive and not just someone everyone just looks right through and no one sees me for who I am. I will get through this, it may take some time and it may be a very rough road block in my life, but one day I will be better. I just have to look forward to that day, and everything seems a little better.

My hands shake, my body aches, and the world spins, yet I pretend I feel fine. Yet I put a stupid smile on my face to say oh maybe its better. Nope its just getting worse. Not good to lose weight when I already don't weigh very much. I'm slipping away. . . I'm becoming weak, and your voice becomes louder, and I start to listen more with out even realizing it. Its the one thing I feel like I have control over, and the one thing that seems to make me happy. God I'm so fucked up. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to check my iron, I don't know if I should tell them about my worsening problem, or just pretend life is just how I want it. God if there is a god why don't you just make this go away, if you're oh so powerful I don't see why you can't take this pain away. Maybe you aren't real, and just made up bull shit. I need to be me again, before its too late and I lose my true self forever...

I really feel crappy, I have no feelings of wanting to try, wanting to pass all my classes with straight A's. Wow this is so unlike me, I know there is something wrong when I don't even feel like running anymore. This shouldn't be called mind of an eating disorder it should be call mind of a fucked up person. I just feel shitty, and there is nothing that is helping. I'm going to see someone, but it just seems like talking to someone really isn't going to help. It never really does, I mean its such a small town in the middle of no where, there really isn't much help here. I need something more, I'm too messed up to just keep living like this. I don't want to fail my classes, I don't want to mess my life all up, yet I have nothing pushing me to get better. My mind is actually telling myself that I like being like this, that I wouldn't want to have it any other way. But guess what thats bullshit, because I know I want to be happy, but I'm just a little to messed up to know it. To top it all off, I'm in a lot of pain from that stupid car accident that happened so long ago and this stupid fall that happened to happen a few weeks ago. Why does this have to be the start of my term, why didn't I stop this from happening? I knew this was going to happen yet I did nothing to stop it. I saw this all coming, maybe not the depression coming back, but the eating thing yes I saw coming, yet I did nothing. Is that because as I saw it coming, I embrace it, like it was something I was looking forward to? It was the disorder talking, I know, its always there. I just want it to go away and stay away forever but I don't see that happening. . . I feel like it will just keep getting worse like it has been. Like I'm on a never ending downhill that doesn't have another uphill in it. Forever falling, forever not being happy. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling like there is no life in me. I hate feeling so not like who I really am. I know I'm a happy person who just needs a little help to be that way again. I have so many walls built up, that sometimes I think its impossible to be happy. But really for me to be happy I need to start taking down some of these stupid walls and looking at everything in a better way. Yet I can't do this alone, so its either get help or stay like this. 

This stupid disorder is sucking the life, hopes and dreams out of me. I feel lost, like I'm losing myself, and if I don't myself back soon it will be too late. I will forever be a different person, someone no one will love. I just can't go through each day putting a stupid fucking smile on my face, a smile that means nothing. Its just like to hide how I really feel, and the real feelings are horrible. I can't focus on anything. I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to go back when I was a normal little girl with no issues. But I'm here a girl who is almost 20 that has too many issues, and can't take it anymore. I need them to just go away, I need help, but there really isn't much help here. I guess I will just have to keep pushing myself to get through this. . .

Why is it so difficult for me to ask for help? Why do I see seeking help as someone giving up? Why do I have to be so strong headed about this whole situation? And finally why can't I just face reality? This reality of how I believe working out is what encourages the voice in my head to speak louder. I was told not to do any ab workouts due to a concussion, but since yesterday after biking for only about ten minutes and doing some simple exercises the voice is stronger. And it’s telling me to do stupid things and I'm listening, so I did a pretty intense ab workout and now feel like shit. I'm dizzy as hell, my breathing is off, and my head hurts, all the things the trainer didn't want to happen. Of course I had to be stupid and strong headed and do a workout I wasn't supposed to do. They said I could do a ten minute bike workout. Nope I did an ab workout in which during I nearly passed out a feel times. Oh but at least my inner mind was happy, but truly I'm not happy. I need to face this reality, and realize that it’s not going to get better on its own. And I need to just suck it up and get help, but I don't have time for all of this. I'm in college full time; I have a biology exam on Monday, labs Tuesday and Wednesday along with classes and going to the trainers each day after biology or around 1:30. Its either I push me to the limits to get through this term with no help, or... I drop my classes and get some serious help. As one can guess, of course I'm going to choose and just push through this term. Unless, of course I seriously have to drop my classes, because it turns into a life or death situation, then I will have to do what is best for my life. So I must stay strong and push through just like I always do. Just barely making it by, but at least I'm living right. So I have to just keep myself as happy as possible study hard and play less. 

One step forward two steps back

This has been a lovely way to start off my second term, it’s like bad luck after bad luck has been thrown in my directions. My first term wasn't perfect either so of course I should have seen this coming, oh but wait in reality I did see this coming. I just didn't want to believe it. I'm sitting here trying to study for a biology exam, and all that’s going through my mind is how gross I feel. And it makes me feel pathetic; It seemed like everything was getting better but then of course it never does. Life isn't perfect so I will just have to face reality and go with it. I look at myself and just see someone that is pathetic, and slowly I feel my emotions going away. I feel that it’s going to be me faking being happy again like I have been, but the last week I wasn't faking it. I feel like I'm getting better, but as the feeling occurs to me I feel my walls being built higher and stronger. I feel myself resisting the help and not wanting it, when really I just want to be better. I want to be semi-normal, but I'm never going to be that way. I'm always going to be this messed up girl who will always have a problem that isn't fixable. I take medications every day, and the thing is if I didn't take those... I don't think I would be here right now. Why do I have to take these stupid pills to feel one ounce of happiness? Why am I resisting the help, resisting when I feel myself getting better, and resisting living a happy life? I really don't know all I know is that it will get better; I just have to believe and stop myself from pushing help away. I just have to have faith that I won’t be like this for the rest of my life. 

Dear Miah,

I miss you so much, I wish we could be able to hang out more, even though I was having this problem over winter break, they seemed to be gone when I was with a big group of family. Your my best friend, and doing this without you is so hard. I have lived it for a while, I'm so sorry I never told you about it before. I should have, there were no reason to not tell you. I love your advice, and I'm fighting this demon inside me. It may not seem like I listen to what you say, but I do. And it means so much that you say it in the first place. This place I'm in is a very dark place, and I'm so sorry if I'm not always the happiest. I try so hard, sometimes you just can't be happy, its how life works and I have accepted that. I'm going to get help hopefully soon. Maybe it will keep it away longer this time. Even though it never went fully away, at least it fades away. I just want you to know I love you, and your friendship means the world to me. I'm so blessed to have you as my cousin and best friend. I really don't know how I would have survived all these many years without you. I'm always here for you, even when it doesn't seem like I am. You can come to me with anything, and I will never judge, I will listen and give you the best advice I could give. I'm so glad you told me about this blogging, writing had left me for so long it seemed like it would never come back. But it has, writing is what helps me get things out, so I don't hold everything in. Because of you being you, you're helping me get better. Thank you for always being there.

Luvvvv
Tiff

Everyone believes that this is a quick fix, but no one understands unless you actually have lived through it. They look at me like I'm stupid for not be able to just fix this; like it was as easy as counting to five. What no one understands is what if... what if I don't want to fix this. What if it what does make me happy? I don't know how but what if that’s how it was, in the end if it was the only thing that made me happy. What am I supposed to do? We choose how to live our lives, so maybe I choose this. Of course that’s not really how it works, I was born with it, and I will die with it. So everyone just has to realize that it won't just go away. It will stay, yes it can be silence for a while, but it will be back. It always comes back. Maybe I don't want to be happy; maybe this is how my life is supposed to be. I don't believe that. I know it will get better, but for now my mind is feeding me all the negative things. And that is what I'm living off of. People may try and fix me, but it will go away when it’s meant to go away. Then it will come back when it’s meant to. 

So I guess I'm running from my problems. Well fuck you Shane you can just shut the fuck up. Running is my life, and I don't give a shit what you have to say or what you think. You think it’s as simple as just eating. Well fuck you. I eat and feel like fucking shit, so if you think you know everything you need to just shut the hell up and get a goddamn life. Okay so you will at one time told you had an eating disorder, but if it was as easy to fix as you said it was, well then it wasn't really a true eating disorder. You don't know what it’s like to live in my shoes. Yours just a guy who thinks he knows everything, well I want to tell you something you don't..

Day 6

You’re alive, it’s not like you’re dying. Yes my heart is beating, and yes I’m breathing, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m dying on the inside. I have gone through this stupid disorder, disease whatever the hell you want to call it for many years, yes I may have said it makes me stronger, but what if it’s the exact opposite. What if every time I get it again it is slowing making me weaker, slowing killing me from the inside out.

They say the devil comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy. He is the voice in my mind, is what others are telling me, they also tell me he is only feeding me lies. I tell myself I can pray for it to go away, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to do that. Does that mean his grip on me is so tight, I can’t tell myself to ask for help? His goal is to steal my soul; he wants to achieve this by destroying me through my mind and slowly killing me. So yes maybe, I’m alive but slowly I feel like my true self is dying, fading away, until I am no longer myself anymore. Everything happens for a reason, and everyone has a path they were born to. I hear once you find your path; it’s the best moment in your life. I believe that for some reason this is supposed to happen to me, and something good will come out of it. I don’t know what yet, but there is a reason for everything. What’s the reasoning behind me suffering, I really don’t know. I won’t know until I die, but for now I just have to fight it. And hope that it doesn’t destroy my true self. 

Day Five: Alone

Today, well it has been a long Friday, just two classes, but for some reason it seemed like a very long day. I ate a pretty good breakfast, some organic soymilk with some healthy cereal and an organic strawberry yogurt with some blueberries put in it. It was my lunch and breakfast. For dinner, well I ate somewhat of a salad and three cookies. Oh and I had a smoothie. My stomach is telling me I’m really hungry but my mind is telling me just to go to bed and it will pass. Today was a good day at first. Your voice was there but I blocked you out pretty well. Then my depression got to me, which has come back ever since my medicine just magically stopped working. I didn’t really want to be around anyone, just wanted to be in my room alone and listen to soft mellow music. Which I did for a long time; I’m pretty good at avoiding people when I’m really not in the mood to talk to anyone. After around 6ish, I hung out with a bunch of friends. We watched 1000 ways to die, and just talked. Then played a long game of apples to apples, in which I was in a great mood. I invited the guy I have still have feelings for but need to get over to come and play apples to apples with us. He said he was at his sister then asked when and where. I said I didn’t know, so I expected him to text me when he got back. Nope he randomly texted me and was like so when are we going to play those games, and I’m like we just started. He was like oh well I guess I will just stay here with Daniel since I really wasn’t invited. Then about how Daniel is more fun anyways. I told him I did invite him, and he just was being a dick, and then finally said its okay I’m going to Wal-Mart with Daniel instead, I will text you when I get back. This just ruined my mood, because he seems like the nicest guy, but I guess he’s just a dick to me. I don’t see why he doesn’t treat me like he treats everyone else, did I do something wrong. And that’s when your stupid voice comes in and tells me of course you did your disgusting, fat, and a waste of someone’s time. Then everyone decided to go to Denny’s but he was going so I decided I would just same here, alone. I rather be alone then be treated like shit… I already have a lot going on with me right now, so I don’t need to be treated like trash. So I will try and stay away from him, because the more I’m around him, the louder your voice gets. This will be hard, because all of my friends hang out with him, and most of my classes he is in with me. This term is not going to be good. You just had to show up at the worse time. I wish I could run, that would fix it all. Running is my drug, without it I’m not myself. I wish I could just be normal, I wish I didn’t have to live through this shit over and over again. I just don’t understand what I did wrong to deserve to live like this... I feel so alone.   

Day 4

I hate mirrors; I hate to see what reflects back at me. Every morning I’m afraid to see what the reflection shows me, because you point out all the negative things and it just breaks me down bit by bit. Every day I hate to take showers because it means I have to see the body I’m not proud of. I hate to look at it, because
every time I do, all I can hear is your voice telling me it’s all my fault that I’m gross and fat, and how I should be ashamed of myself for letting it happen. I try so hard to ignore you, but you aregetting stronger. I’m really afraid this time will be the time where this disorder or whatever you are gets to a point I have to go to the hospital and get treatment. I haven’t really had much food today, yet I feel like I eat a ton. I feel fat and gross, and I can’t help but feel any other way, because that is all I see when I look at myself. I’m pathetic and weak, I can’t even complete the one thing my body wants. I’m not strong enough to listen and do what you say. I don’t have the will power to not eat. If only I could run… That would fix everything. My depression is creeping in on me, and its making this whole situation worse. My medicine that I have been taking for god knows how many years, is starting to stop working. It seems to go in a pattern, it works
amazingly for a very long time and then slowly it just stops and your stupid voice gets louder. I mean haven’t I had enough bad things happen to me these last seven months. Why does this need to happen. What did I ever do to deserve to have to live like this? I know if I had my family here it would somehow get
solved… but maybe I’m already too far along for your voice to just magically just slowly fade away from my life. Even if that were to happen, I know you would be back, just when my medicine stops working you will slowly creep into my life once again. So why fight it? That should be an easy question to answer
but right now I just don’t have the motivation to try and fight this. Tomorrow should be a better day. Its Friday… Friday’s are usually good days. Let’s hope tomorrow is a great day, let’s hope your voice is too soft for me to hear you tomorrow. Let’s help you just go away.

Day 3

Today, started off pretty well, didn’t feel so great this morning. But I was successful in not eating very much this morning. Just some special K bars and oats and honey bars. I felt really good. Then went to the trainings and they told me I can’t run for the rest of the week. This scared me, because now I’m worried about having to eat less, since I won’t be burning off as much calories. I went to lab and then afterwards went to dinner. Ate too much, well maybe not for most people, but you said that it was way too much for me. I was talking with friends laughing and having a good time, while all I couldn’t think about was how full I felt. And feeling full to most people is a good thing. For me it’s like the worse thing ever, I just felt sick to my stomach. So I put my nice smile on, that no one can see through and walked back to my dorm.  I told my friend I was going to get some stuff and then went to my room and tried to make myself throw up. I was unsuccessful. Like always, I never seem to be able to make myself throw up. So now I get to feel like shit, as you tell me how fat and gross I am, until I go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow.  It really sucks to go to sleep most nights in tears, because of everything you have to hold in throughout the day. The night is the time I’m alone and am able to just let the tears fall, it really doesn’t help but at least it means I ‘m still feeling emotions.

Day 2

Yesterday your voice was pretty soft, mostly because when I got on the scale that morning, you thought it was a good number. I guess well for now, you said softly. Then I ate too much throughout the day, like for once three meals and some snacks. This made me feel like shit, and you made me feel even worse. I tried my best just to ignore all the hurtful things you were throwing at me, but I just couldn’t fade you out. Then it also didn’t help that, I have spent over I don’t know how many months thinking this guy really liked me, and it turns out he just sees me as a really good friend. Then you just had to tell me how, it was my fault because I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, and smart enough. That really didn’t help. So I went to bed feeling not so great, still hoping he likes me more, because he’s a great guy. But you will make it easy for me to get over him, you always do. By making me feel shitty about other things going on in my life which in return makes the feeling for the guy go away. Gosh I just feel so stupid, how could I not realize it. He changed, and I changed. He’s perfect and well I’m nowhere near being perfect, you said it was too good to be true, I guess you were right.

Day 1

Well if I'm going to have live with you in my mind for the rest of my life, I might as well get some of it out of my system. Let some stress out by writing about it, even though no one I know will see this, but hey it might help. Only one person here knows, but really she doesn't know how bad you are getting. And now I can't work out, because of a stupid concussion. Working out is the one thing that helps fading your stupid voice from my mind. You never have anything nice to say when you visit my life. Life was going good, and then you just had to show up, but I'm not surprised one bit. I knew it would happen, and you did too. You seem to be counting down the days I left until I went off to college along. Because it would be then that you would drag me down to your level and try and destroy me. Break me until there is nothing left. I'm trying so hard to fight you, but I can feel you getting stronger. I just wish you would just go away, and leave my life forever. But we both know that won't happen, we both know you will be in and out of my life until I die. How exciting. Hopefully you aren't what destroy me so much you kill me in the end. Hopefully I die a different way than from you. It’s had to go through every single day, pretending that everything is okay, and you make it harder. I need to fight and stop you, but I just can't. So much is going on and it’s the perfect time for you to take advantage of me. And that’s exactly what you're doing, but I have to warn you I'm a very strong minded person. I will fight until I can't not for the life of me fight anymore. So bring it on.

At this very moment, you may be saying to yourself that you have any number of admirable qualities. You are a loyal friend, a caring person, someone who is smart, dependable, and fun to be around. That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you, but let me ask you this: are you being any of those things to yourself?Phillip C. McGraw