Self-hatred

Never have I ever hated myself as much as I do now. I can pretend and pretend that I'm okay with how I look, but then it hits me so much harder when I atop pretending and look at myself. How horrible I look. How bad I just want to cut the fat off, oh how I daydream about restricting for days on end. How I wish I were strong enough to make it through those days so I could lose weight and hate myself a little less. How I wish I was not so honest, how I wish I could just lie and lie about eating. I know I need to stay strong, but I'm getting so tired of being strong. I want to be weak, I want to fall back in the arms of my eating disorder. Oh how I dream about having my thin runners body back. Can't I just restrict a lot for a few months than once I lose the weight eat three or four small meals a day? Why can't I just exercise for hours and hours until I'm so weak I can barely stand? Why can't I be who I used to be? Why do I have to be stuck in this horrible body? I just want to escape, runaway and never turn back. I just want to not leave a trace and start new. I do not want anyone in my life that cares about me so I do not have to worry about being honest about my earring disorder. I just want to go back to not caring about anything but losing weight.

I need to be saved. I need it so bad... I wish someone would show me that loving your body and yourself is not as hard as I think. Why can't I love myself? Will there ever be a day where I love myself? Or am I going to have to live like this for the rest of my life? I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. I do not think I could live like this forever. I hope life bets better. I hope I can love myself one day.

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Where is all my motivation...

For the past two weeks I have been trying to restrict for several days in a row, but the farthest I have come was 24 hours. I feel fat all the time yet that doesn't give me enough motivation to not eat. I just want to get to a healthier weight. Maybe just 10 pounds, which is no where near my "dream weight" which is 85. I would be 110, and I think I would just feel better in my skin. In my psychology class, I learned how to calculate my BMI and it did not classify me as over weight. It said I was normal. But it was about 1.2 away from being slightly overweight. I have never been this close to being overweight and I'm going crazy. I used to always be about 1.5 underweight and I loved being there. I just felt so much better in my skin. 



Why can't I just be happy with how I am now? Why do I always want to lose weight? Why do I feel so fat, huge and disgusting all the time? What did I do wrong to deserve to live with this eating disorder?



Last night was not very good. I have been looking forward to getting TMJ surgery this summer because my jaw joint is so fucked up. It hurts all the time, gives me migraines, and causes a lot of pain when I eat. And I was talking to my dad and he got it in my head that I may not get the surgery. Instantly I felt suicidal, instantly I felt all my PTSD symptoms, instantly I just felt horrible. I told him without the surgery I really do not think I would want to live, and I really meant it. Then I thought how if I would have just dead in the accident I wouldn’t have to deal with all this pain and hating myself so much. Life would not be worth living without this surgery. I have to limit what I eat, and the more I have to limit the closer it comes to feeling like my eating disorder. I feel like soon I will just be able to eat liquids. It's hard to get over an eating disorder when everything is pushing you closer into the arms of your eating disorder. How good it would feel to just not eat and lose weight. I bet my jaw would be better if I stopped eating, I just can't get myself to do that. This makes me feel super weak like I should be able to do this. It makes me feel like a quitter. It makes me feel horrible. I just want all these thoughts to stop.

Life as we Know it...

These last two or three months have been the hardest of my recovery overall. I have had a lot of struggles, and with these struggles came your voice in my head again. Why do you always come back when I am at a low? Why are you here again? I was without your voice for several months and now… Now you seem to be in my head, everyday all day. You just keep getting louder and louder, and as you get louder I feel weaker. I have been restricting. Not a lot, but still it is the first steps of me falling back into your arms. Just a few steps away from falling off the deep in, and being pulled down forever. I feel like this time, will be the time you get so strong that I will never get back to me again. You will control my life completely. I will lose everything. I will lose me, my support, my life, and my happiness… Why did you have to come back? I just do not understand. I did not invite you, I did not welcome you, and I am not happy you’re here. Yet you just will not leave me alone. I cannot handle this again. I have fought too hard to have your voice back in my head. I have been fighting the good fight every day, every hour, and every single minute. Yet you just keep getting louder. I just do not know what to do. Ever since Bard prescribed me a medication that made me gain 20 pounds I have just gone down hill. Then she forgot to refill another medication which increased my anxiety a ton. I was out of that for exactly a month. I did finally get that medication, but not from Bard. I was focused to go to my regular doctor after Barb was not reliable. I tried and tried to get a hold of her and she seemed to just ignore it. I did file a complaint so hopefully that will help. Then my “best friend” told me about two or three weeks ago that she had not eaten for ten days. She just drank orange juice in the morning and night with her medication.  The she continued by telling me that she had lost like 15 pounds and how she was so happy to fit in a size four. What I felt next was envy. Envy so strong I just wanted to scream until I lost my voice. I wished I could have that strength to not eat for that long so I could lose this weight that I have and I hate. It was like she was throwing it in my face. I just took it that way but really she was not. She had not told anyone about it not even her therapist, this put a huge weight on my shoulders. Then I say her Friday and she looked so thin. So fragile, and yet I just felt envy. Then I felt shame for that and then felt overwhelmed. I’m not worry her body is going to start shutting down. She keeps going day on end not eating in  a row. Like seven to ten days. I looked it up and it takes about two to three weeks for someone like her to have their body start shutting down. So I did what I had to do, I got her therapist pager number and left her a message about her not eating. And how I was worried it could get deadly. So that was like a weight lifted off my shoulders which was nice, but I’m afraid she is going to hate me for telling her therapist. The thing is I can live with her hating me. I just cannot live with her dying from her eating disorder and me just watching it happen. I tried to get her to eat as well but she would not listen, which I understand completely. I believe her therapist is the only one that can really help her.

I guess this would get to a lot of people, especially someone like me with an eating disorder. When you see your friend losing weight and getting to her goal weight you develop envy because you as in I hate my body so much. I have never in my life felt the hatred I feel not about my body. Never, and it feels so horrible. I just have to get through this. I just have to keep my head high and develop that I am strong and I can survive this. I am a survivor. I am fighting the good fight. I will not give up. I will fight until I have no more fight in me, but I have a lot of fight in me. I am not a quitter. I never give up, never.

 

Appointment

Scared, worried, and stressed about my appointment tomorrow. They are just going to judge me, thats what they always do. My stupid mind is saying they are going to be thinking "she doesn't look like she has an eating disorder, she isn't small enough." I don't know why I'm thinking this but I can't make it to away. I feel like my family is afraid I'm going to kill myself so they been keeping an eye on me way too often. It makes me mad because its pretty much then telling me they do not trust me... but whatever I will be through this stupid mess, one step at a time. It may take a while but it has to be done. Before its too late and there is no going back to save me.

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Sunshine

This sunshine here after not being here for so long is telling me I'm doing the right thing. Its a sign for the higher power telling me to keep pushing, keep pushing until I'm healed and better again. This sunshine is a sign that happiness is just around the corner. A sign telling me to never give up hope, because without hope life is useless. I know I made the right decision, I didn't think I did at first but the more I think about it the more I know this will lead to me finding myself. Finding the true happiness that is hidden deep down inside me, just waiting to be let out. I can't wait to get better. I love my family and friends so much, thank you for all the support you have given me.

Decisions...

Life is too short to be unhappy, what I need to do is realize that my happiness is what matters. If I'm unhappy doing something it must mean I need to be doing something us. I need to be somewhere else, this is one of the hardest decisions to make. Its like telling the world I give up, I'm done trying to just push through. I'm giving up because I'm choosing to get help. I just need to start seeing it as not giving up but the decision to try and chance my life in a way that I'm happy. I shouldn't be living in the beautiful world with no happiness in my heart and soul. Why are decisions always so hard? Maybe because why making the decision there is a million things running through your mind. Like your a giving up so you don't deserve to be happy, you're not worth helping, you're pathetic, you should be ashamed of yourself, no one loves people who just give up, you're not strong enough to make it through, you're weak, stupid, ugly, fat, slow, crazy, and a million other things. But in reality I am strong, because I know deep down that this is one of the hardest decision one could make, and by being able to realize I need help makes me strong. Makes me a fighter, because I'm not just giving up, I'm getting help so I can be happy. So I can enjoy this amazing world, enjoy being with my amazing family for many more years, enjoy living a life I'm happy to be living, and enjoy the fact that I'm still living. Because there are so many thoughts going through my head, thoughts to end my life, and if I don't get help I'm so afraid that the worse could happen. I can't do this to my family and friends, and I can't do this to myself. I'm deciding to live, I'm deciding to change so I can be happy again, I'm deciding that I need to ask for help because we can't always do everything on our own no matter how hard we try. Ever now and then people will either be forced to realize they need to get help or they will just get worse. I don't want to get worse, I want to change I want to be happy, I don't want to live this beautiful world before it is my time to actually go. I want to make a difference in this world, I want to help others, and for me to do this I must first help myself.

I really don't understand what is wrong with me? What is going on? Why is my mind body and soul so messed up? I just wish there was an easy fix. Something that would make all these horrible thoughts go away. Something that would make me feel somewhat normal again, like my old self. Maybe I'm too far along this path, a path to disaster, in which there is no fix to. What did I ever do to deserve this? I try and be a great person yet, I'm still feeling like shit. I try and make myself feel better, yet it makes me feel worse afterwards. I feel like trash... I don't feel like myself anymore. I have changed so much that there is no going back. There needs to be backspace in life so I could go back to the day where I was happy. Maybe change little things in my life that might have lead to me feeling so horrible. I will never be perfect no one can, so way do I try?