Self-hatred

Never have I ever hated myself as much as I do now. I can pretend and pretend that I'm okay with how I look, but then it hits me so much harder when I atop pretending and look at myself. How horrible I look. How bad I just want to cut the fat off, oh how I daydream about restricting for days on end. How I wish I were strong enough to make it through those days so I could lose weight and hate myself a little less. How I wish I was not so honest, how I wish I could just lie and lie about eating. I know I need to stay strong, but I'm getting so tired of being strong. I want to be weak, I want to fall back in the arms of my eating disorder. Oh how I dream about having my thin runners body back. Can't I just restrict a lot for a few months than once I lose the weight eat three or four small meals a day? Why can't I just exercise for hours and hours until I'm so weak I can barely stand? Why can't I be who I used to be? Why do I have to be stuck in this horrible body? I just want to escape, runaway and never turn back. I just want to not leave a trace and start new. I do not want anyone in my life that cares about me so I do not have to worry about being honest about my earring disorder. I just want to go back to not caring about anything but losing weight.

I need to be saved. I need it so bad... I wish someone would show me that loving your body and yourself is not as hard as I think. Why can't I love myself? Will there ever be a day where I love myself? Or am I going to have to live like this for the rest of my life? I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. I do not think I could live like this forever. I hope life bets better. I hope I can love myself one day.

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Where is all my motivation...

For the past two weeks I have been trying to restrict for several days in a row, but the farthest I have come was 24 hours. I feel fat all the time yet that doesn't give me enough motivation to not eat. I just want to get to a healthier weight. Maybe just 10 pounds, which is no where near my "dream weight" which is 85. I would be 110, and I think I would just feel better in my skin. In my psychology class, I learned how to calculate my BMI and it did not classify me as over weight. It said I was normal. But it was about 1.2 away from being slightly overweight. I have never been this close to being overweight and I'm going crazy. I used to always be about 1.5 underweight and I loved being there. I just felt so much better in my skin. 



Why can't I just be happy with how I am now? Why do I always want to lose weight? Why do I feel so fat, huge and disgusting all the time? What did I do wrong to deserve to live with this eating disorder?



Last night was not very good. I have been looking forward to getting TMJ surgery this summer because my jaw joint is so fucked up. It hurts all the time, gives me migraines, and causes a lot of pain when I eat. And I was talking to my dad and he got it in my head that I may not get the surgery. Instantly I felt suicidal, instantly I felt all my PTSD symptoms, instantly I just felt horrible. I told him without the surgery I really do not think I would want to live, and I really meant it. Then I thought how if I would have just dead in the accident I wouldn’t have to deal with all this pain and hating myself so much. Life would not be worth living without this surgery. I have to limit what I eat, and the more I have to limit the closer it comes to feeling like my eating disorder. I feel like soon I will just be able to eat liquids. It's hard to get over an eating disorder when everything is pushing you closer into the arms of your eating disorder. How good it would feel to just not eat and lose weight. I bet my jaw would be better if I stopped eating, I just can't get myself to do that. This makes me feel super weak like I should be able to do this. It makes me feel like a quitter. It makes me feel horrible. I just want all these thoughts to stop.

Life as we Know it...

These last two or three months have been the hardest of my recovery overall. I have had a lot of struggles, and with these struggles came your voice in my head again. Why do you always come back when I am at a low? Why are you here again? I was without your voice for several months and now… Now you seem to be in my head, everyday all day. You just keep getting louder and louder, and as you get louder I feel weaker. I have been restricting. Not a lot, but still it is the first steps of me falling back into your arms. Just a few steps away from falling off the deep in, and being pulled down forever. I feel like this time, will be the time you get so strong that I will never get back to me again. You will control my life completely. I will lose everything. I will lose me, my support, my life, and my happiness… Why did you have to come back? I just do not understand. I did not invite you, I did not welcome you, and I am not happy you’re here. Yet you just will not leave me alone. I cannot handle this again. I have fought too hard to have your voice back in my head. I have been fighting the good fight every day, every hour, and every single minute. Yet you just keep getting louder. I just do not know what to do. Ever since Bard prescribed me a medication that made me gain 20 pounds I have just gone down hill. Then she forgot to refill another medication which increased my anxiety a ton. I was out of that for exactly a month. I did finally get that medication, but not from Bard. I was focused to go to my regular doctor after Barb was not reliable. I tried and tried to get a hold of her and she seemed to just ignore it. I did file a complaint so hopefully that will help. Then my “best friend” told me about two or three weeks ago that she had not eaten for ten days. She just drank orange juice in the morning and night with her medication.  The she continued by telling me that she had lost like 15 pounds and how she was so happy to fit in a size four. What I felt next was envy. Envy so strong I just wanted to scream until I lost my voice. I wished I could have that strength to not eat for that long so I could lose this weight that I have and I hate. It was like she was throwing it in my face. I just took it that way but really she was not. She had not told anyone about it not even her therapist, this put a huge weight on my shoulders. Then I say her Friday and she looked so thin. So fragile, and yet I just felt envy. Then I felt shame for that and then felt overwhelmed. I’m not worry her body is going to start shutting down. She keeps going day on end not eating in  a row. Like seven to ten days. I looked it up and it takes about two to three weeks for someone like her to have their body start shutting down. So I did what I had to do, I got her therapist pager number and left her a message about her not eating. And how I was worried it could get deadly. So that was like a weight lifted off my shoulders which was nice, but I’m afraid she is going to hate me for telling her therapist. The thing is I can live with her hating me. I just cannot live with her dying from her eating disorder and me just watching it happen. I tried to get her to eat as well but she would not listen, which I understand completely. I believe her therapist is the only one that can really help her.

I guess this would get to a lot of people, especially someone like me with an eating disorder. When you see your friend losing weight and getting to her goal weight you develop envy because you as in I hate my body so much. I have never in my life felt the hatred I feel not about my body. Never, and it feels so horrible. I just have to get through this. I just have to keep my head high and develop that I am strong and I can survive this. I am a survivor. I am fighting the good fight. I will not give up. I will fight until I have no more fight in me, but I have a lot of fight in me. I am not a quitter. I never give up, never.