Appointment

Scared, worried, and stressed about my appointment tomorrow. They are just going to judge me, thats what they always do. My stupid mind is saying they are going to be thinking "she doesn't look like she has an eating disorder, she isn't small enough." I don't know why I'm thinking this but I can't make it to away. I feel like my family is afraid I'm going to kill myself so they been keeping an eye on me way too often. It makes me mad because its pretty much then telling me they do not trust me... but whatever I will be through this stupid mess, one step at a time. It may take a while but it has to be done. Before its too late and there is no going back to save me.

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Sunshine

This sunshine here after not being here for so long is telling me I'm doing the right thing. Its a sign for the higher power telling me to keep pushing, keep pushing until I'm healed and better again. This sunshine is a sign that happiness is just around the corner. A sign telling me to never give up hope, because without hope life is useless. I know I made the right decision, I didn't think I did at first but the more I think about it the more I know this will lead to me finding myself. Finding the true happiness that is hidden deep down inside me, just waiting to be let out. I can't wait to get better. I love my family and friends so much, thank you for all the support you have given me.

Decisions...

Life is too short to be unhappy, what I need to do is realize that my happiness is what matters. If I'm unhappy doing something it must mean I need to be doing something us. I need to be somewhere else, this is one of the hardest decisions to make. Its like telling the world I give up, I'm done trying to just push through. I'm giving up because I'm choosing to get help. I just need to start seeing it as not giving up but the decision to try and chance my life in a way that I'm happy. I shouldn't be living in the beautiful world with no happiness in my heart and soul. Why are decisions always so hard? Maybe because why making the decision there is a million things running through your mind. Like your a giving up so you don't deserve to be happy, you're not worth helping, you're pathetic, you should be ashamed of yourself, no one loves people who just give up, you're not strong enough to make it through, you're weak, stupid, ugly, fat, slow, crazy, and a million other things. But in reality I am strong, because I know deep down that this is one of the hardest decision one could make, and by being able to realize I need help makes me strong. Makes me a fighter, because I'm not just giving up, I'm getting help so I can be happy. So I can enjoy this amazing world, enjoy being with my amazing family for many more years, enjoy living a life I'm happy to be living, and enjoy the fact that I'm still living. Because there are so many thoughts going through my head, thoughts to end my life, and if I don't get help I'm so afraid that the worse could happen. I can't do this to my family and friends, and I can't do this to myself. I'm deciding to live, I'm deciding to change so I can be happy again, I'm deciding that I need to ask for help because we can't always do everything on our own no matter how hard we try. Ever now and then people will either be forced to realize they need to get help or they will just get worse. I don't want to get worse, I want to change I want to be happy, I don't want to live this beautiful world before it is my time to actually go. I want to make a difference in this world, I want to help others, and for me to do this I must first help myself.

I really don't understand what is wrong with me? What is going on? Why is my mind body and soul so messed up? I just wish there was an easy fix. Something that would make all these horrible thoughts go away. Something that would make me feel somewhat normal again, like my old self. Maybe I'm too far along this path, a path to disaster, in which there is no fix to. What did I ever do to deserve this? I try and be a great person yet, I'm still feeling like shit. I try and make myself feel better, yet it makes me feel worse afterwards. I feel like trash... I don't feel like myself anymore. I have changed so much that there is no going back. There needs to be backspace in life so I could go back to the day where I was happy. Maybe change little things in my life that might have lead to me feeling so horrible. I will never be perfect no one can, so way do I try?

I hate all these thoughts that are going through my mind. I wish they would just go away, but they won't. I can't concentrate on anything,  I have a bio exam soon, just another test to fail if I keep it up. What the hell is wrong with me? I no longer recognize myself anymore, because who ever I used to be is gone, and all I'm left with is a mess.

Dear eating disorder,

You are making my life a living hell, its not just you its also the fucking depression too. Well fuck you both, yeah you are winning but I no other care. Take me, take me now. Do as you wish, because I'm done trying to make this work. I'm done with it all. You are taking over me, and guess what I'm starting to like it. But thats not me talking its you. Who would like living the way I am? No one.
You are making me into a liar. I lie about little thinks like how am I doing, of course I say I'm good, but really I'm not. Everyone probably sees it, they just don't want to ask about it. They think that if it is ignored it will go away. Well thats bull shit. I'm living proof, I have been trying to ignore it for over 7 years, and its not going away. People think its a simple fix like trying on the power after it has gone out. Its not even close to being an easy fix, I'm falling in this stupid trap, the trap that will one day take over me. Then there will be nothing left to see, just a girl who is fucked up.

slipping and fading

I used to have so much self-motivation... where has it gone. Its really hard to concentrate on all this school work and get it done when all my self-motivation is rapidly fading. What will happen when suddenly its all gone? When every last bit disappears and all I'm left with is the evil voices in my head telling me what to do. I'm going to give in, there will be  no stopping it if it gets that far. I will slowly disappear into the madness of my mind. I will be forced to face myself, and that is really the hardest thing I will ever have to face.
I'm getting so good at hiding it all, hiding everything from everyone that surround me. To them I seem happy, but if you look close enough you will know thats not even close to being true. I'm losing myself, losing the person I once was so long ago. I don't even know who I am anymore. What am I doing with my life, well I'm just letting it slip away. I know there is help out there, serious help that will get me better. But there is none here, there is nothing, just me fading away. Maybe I need to think big and realize that since the help isn't here I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't let it get to the point its so bad that I die.. What would my family do? They would be so heartbroken. I need to think of my family and friends and how much I mean to them. And maybe that will give me the motivation to keep fighting. To not give up, because I feel like I'm so close to just giving up the fight and letting this disorder eat me alive.

What is life? To be alive is a beautiful thing, this world is a beautiful place. Why can't I see its beauty?

It's sad to wake up every morning and hate yourself. It's sad when all the self-motivation that you once had is all gone. What am I supposed to do? I need help

Who am I? Well whoever I was, she is gone now. I miss who I used to be, I miss being happy all the time, I miss the past, because in the past I was happy. Most of the time I am not, but hey no one really knows that. I'm too good at hiding what I'm feeling, too good and not showing any emotions to anyone. Why do I do this? What is the point of it? I have no idea, if I know I would be the girl I used to be. That girl, well she is gone, she will never be back. If only she would come back. I wish I could figure out who I'm supposed to be, because I do not believe this is who I am supposed to be. If it is, well I will just have to get used to it, but the funny thing is I'm already used to it, and the sad thing is I have been for over 6 years. How much longer will I have to take living like this? When will I find myself? Maybe I never will, maybe some people just aren't supposed to find them selves... Hopefully that isn't the case for me. Hopefully there is still some hope left, hopes to succeed, hopes to become who I am meant to be, hopes in being happy. All I'm asking for is some hope, and faith that I'm going to be happy one day, because without those two things life is not as great as it is said to be.