Life as we Know it...

These last two or three months have been the hardest of my recovery overall. I have had a lot of struggles, and with these struggles came your voice in my head again. Why do you always come back when I am at a low? Why are you here again? I was without your voice for several months and now… Now you seem to be in my head, everyday all day. You just keep getting louder and louder, and as you get louder I feel weaker. I have been restricting. Not a lot, but still it is the first steps of me falling back into your arms. Just a few steps away from falling off the deep in, and being pulled down forever. I feel like this time, will be the time you get so strong that I will never get back to me again. You will control my life completely. I will lose everything. I will lose me, my support, my life, and my happiness… Why did you have to come back? I just do not understand. I did not invite you, I did not welcome you, and I am not happy you’re here. Yet you just will not leave me alone. I cannot handle this again. I have fought too hard to have your voice back in my head. I have been fighting the good fight every day, every hour, and every single minute. Yet you just keep getting louder. I just do not know what to do. Ever since Bard prescribed me a medication that made me gain 20 pounds I have just gone down hill. Then she forgot to refill another medication which increased my anxiety a ton. I was out of that for exactly a month. I did finally get that medication, but not from Bard. I was focused to go to my regular doctor after Barb was not reliable. I tried and tried to get a hold of her and she seemed to just ignore it. I did file a complaint so hopefully that will help. Then my “best friend” told me about two or three weeks ago that she had not eaten for ten days. She just drank orange juice in the morning and night with her medication.  The she continued by telling me that she had lost like 15 pounds and how she was so happy to fit in a size four. What I felt next was envy. Envy so strong I just wanted to scream until I lost my voice. I wished I could have that strength to not eat for that long so I could lose this weight that I have and I hate. It was like she was throwing it in my face. I just took it that way but really she was not. She had not told anyone about it not even her therapist, this put a huge weight on my shoulders. Then I say her Friday and she looked so thin. So fragile, and yet I just felt envy. Then I felt shame for that and then felt overwhelmed. I’m not worry her body is going to start shutting down. She keeps going day on end not eating in  a row. Like seven to ten days. I looked it up and it takes about two to three weeks for someone like her to have their body start shutting down. So I did what I had to do, I got her therapist pager number and left her a message about her not eating. And how I was worried it could get deadly. So that was like a weight lifted off my shoulders which was nice, but I’m afraid she is going to hate me for telling her therapist. The thing is I can live with her hating me. I just cannot live with her dying from her eating disorder and me just watching it happen. I tried to get her to eat as well but she would not listen, which I understand completely. I believe her therapist is the only one that can really help her.

I guess this would get to a lot of people, especially someone like me with an eating disorder. When you see your friend losing weight and getting to her goal weight you develop envy because you as in I hate my body so much. I have never in my life felt the hatred I feel not about my body. Never, and it feels so horrible. I just have to get through this. I just have to keep my head high and develop that I am strong and I can survive this. I am a survivor. I am fighting the good fight. I will not give up. I will fight until I have no more fight in me, but I have a lot of fight in me. I am not a quitter. I never give up, never.