Self-hatred

Never have I ever hated myself as much as I do now. I can pretend and pretend that I'm okay with how I look, but then it hits me so much harder when I atop pretending and look at myself. How horrible I look. How bad I just want to cut the fat off, oh how I daydream about restricting for days on end. How I wish I were strong enough to make it through those days so I could lose weight and hate myself a little less. How I wish I was not so honest, how I wish I could just lie and lie about eating. I know I need to stay strong, but I'm getting so tired of being strong. I want to be weak, I want to fall back in the arms of my eating disorder. Oh how I dream about having my thin runners body back. Can't I just restrict a lot for a few months than once I lose the weight eat three or four small meals a day? Why can't I just exercise for hours and hours until I'm so weak I can barely stand? Why can't I be who I used to be? Why do I have to be stuck in this horrible body? I just want to escape, runaway and never turn back. I just want to not leave a trace and start new. I do not want anyone in my life that cares about me so I do not have to worry about being honest about my earring disorder. I just want to go back to not caring about anything but losing weight.

I need to be saved. I need it so bad... I wish someone would show me that loving your body and yourself is not as hard as I think. Why can't I love myself? Will there ever be a day where I love myself? Or am I going to have to live like this for the rest of my life? I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. I do not think I could live like this forever. I hope life bets better. I hope I can love myself one day.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4