Where is all my motivation...

For the past two weeks I have been trying to restrict for several days in a row, but the farthest I have come was 24 hours. I feel fat all the time yet that doesn't give me enough motivation to not eat. I just want to get to a healthier weight. Maybe just 10 pounds, which is no where near my "dream weight" which is 85. I would be 110, and I think I would just feel better in my skin. In my psychology class, I learned how to calculate my BMI and it did not classify me as over weight. It said I was normal. But it was about 1.2 away from being slightly overweight. I have never been this close to being overweight and I'm going crazy. I used to always be about 1.5 underweight and I loved being there. I just felt so much better in my skin. 



Why can't I just be happy with how I am now? Why do I always want to lose weight? Why do I feel so fat, huge and disgusting all the time? What did I do wrong to deserve to live with this eating disorder?



Last night was not very good. I have been looking forward to getting TMJ surgery this summer because my jaw joint is so fucked up. It hurts all the time, gives me migraines, and causes a lot of pain when I eat. And I was talking to my dad and he got it in my head that I may not get the surgery. Instantly I felt suicidal, instantly I felt all my PTSD symptoms, instantly I just felt horrible. I told him without the surgery I really do not think I would want to live, and I really meant it. Then I thought how if I would have just dead in the accident I wouldn’t have to deal with all this pain and hating myself so much. Life would not be worth living without this surgery. I have to limit what I eat, and the more I have to limit the closer it comes to feeling like my eating disorder. I feel like soon I will just be able to eat liquids. It's hard to get over an eating disorder when everything is pushing you closer into the arms of your eating disorder. How good it would feel to just not eat and lose weight. I bet my jaw would be better if I stopped eating, I just can't get myself to do that. This makes me feel super weak like I should be able to do this. It makes me feel like a quitter. It makes me feel horrible. I just want all these thoughts to stop.