slipping and fading

I used to have so much self-motivation... where has it gone. Its really hard to concentrate on all this school work and get it done when all my self-motivation is rapidly fading. What will happen when suddenly its all gone? When every last bit disappears and all I'm left with is the evil voices in my head telling me what to do. I'm going to give in, there will be  no stopping it if it gets that far. I will slowly disappear into the madness of my mind. I will be forced to face myself, and that is really the hardest thing I will ever have to face.
I'm getting so good at hiding it all, hiding everything from everyone that surround me. To them I seem happy, but if you look close enough you will know thats not even close to being true. I'm losing myself, losing the person I once was so long ago. I don't even know who I am anymore. What am I doing with my life, well I'm just letting it slip away. I know there is help out there, serious help that will get me better. But there is none here, there is nothing, just me fading away. Maybe I need to think big and realize that since the help isn't here I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't let it get to the point its so bad that I die.. What would my family do? They would be so heartbroken. I need to think of my family and friends and how much I mean to them. And maybe that will give me the motivation to keep fighting. To not give up, because I feel like I'm so close to just giving up the fight and letting this disorder eat me alive.

What is life? To be alive is a beautiful thing, this world is a beautiful place. Why can't I see its beauty?